Shifting Sand

In my small group, we are reading a book by Henry Blackaby called "Holiness". Yesterday we discussed how our society has lost its "fear" of God (not meaning to be afraid, but rather to respect, obey, etc.) and how we do not view sin as God views it. And it really hit me that this is apparent in my own life, and that holiness is something worth striving for...but I don't do it...

I fail, everyday, and I forget that my relationship with God is not one-sided...I often take it for granted that God will be there for me always, and often I don't seek Him because of His constant availability.

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing." --Romans 7:18-19

I justify so many things in my life, convincing myself that they are "okay" because everyone else is doing it...or I compare myself to others and think that I must be okay because I am doing better than someone else...and that is not right.

Yet again, Caedmon's Call has a song that speaks exactly what my heart is feeling.

"Sometimes I believe all the lies so I can do the things I should despise,
and everyday I am swayed by whatever is on my mind.
I hear it all depends on my faith so I'm feeling precarious.
The only problem I have with these mysteries is they're so mysterious.
And like a consumer I keep thinking if I can just get a bit more
more than my fifteen minutes of faith then I'll be secure.

My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave.
My faith is like shifting sand, so I'll stand on grace.

I begged you for some proof for my Thomas eyes to see--
slithering staff, a leprous hand, or lions resting lazily,
a glimpse of your backside glory and this soaked altar going ablaze;
but you know I've seen so much I explain it away.

Waters rose as my doubts rain, sand castle faith is slipped away.
I find myself standing on your grace, you've been there all the time.

My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave.
My faith is like shifting sand, so I'll stand on grace."

--Caedmon's Call, from the album "Forty Acres"

As I have been so often reminded this week, it's not about me...it's not about what I do, what I say or think...it needs to be about God, living in me and through me...

Please understand that when I write about these kinds of things, I am not trying to preach...I am not implying that anyone else needs to feel as I do about these spiritual issues. I am not trying to thrust my theology upon anyone. I feel that a blog is a way to express personal struggles, to seek advice, and to be real with people. And I am sorry if in the past it has come across as me trying to put a guilt trip on my readers or anything like that. These are just the honest ponderings of my heart, things with which I am daily struggling, and I want to be open with those who read my blog as I process my thoughts through writing. Thank you for reading!